#006: 9 Lessons On My 9th Wedding Anniversary

It has been 9 years since my wife and I made vows to each other in marriage. In keeping with a numerical theme, I’m sharing 9 major lessons I’ve learned and continue to learn through the years.

1. Her Love Can’t Fill Your Void

How ever special someone might be, the love of a spouse cannot fill the void that stems from not loving yourself. A self-worth anchored in another’s feelings or opinions is doomed to the highs and lows of human emotion.

This is a problem of belief.

If you don’t believe you are lovable, no one else will be able to convince you otherwise. For many years, I was incapable of receiving anyone’s compliments, favors, gifts, etc.

The solution to this problem is two-fold:

1. I had to anchor my love perspective into something higher than any human reasoning: an unconditionally loving God. Because the truth is, we are flawed humans that don’t deserve love by human standards.

2. I implemented an ongoing process. I occasionally stop and think out loud specific things I do love about myself. “I love your sense of humor. I love that you care...” And so on.

(You know, it’s pretty uncomfortable to say what I love about myself publicly even here. Like I said… work in progress).

Over time this offset feelings of shame and low self-esteem while enabling me to receive love from my wife and loved ones.

2. Question Everything About Yourself

Pre-marital counseling is a game-changer. There’s nothing like a professional stranger holding up a mirror. But if it’s not your cup of tea, it’s still valuable to question everything as objectively as possible.

Reevaluate your mindset, beliefs, and upbringing. Dig for the “why’s” behind family behaviors, patterns, as well as your own habits and traumas.

A marriage is a collision of two worldviews. The fun, and potentially contentious part, is deciding which views you're keeping and discarding. This is the foundation to defining your marriage and raising a new family.

As a couple, continue to reevaluate your approach to marriage, love, and parenting.

3. Self-Awareness Is A Two-Edged Sword

No matter what level of self-awareness you have, marriage increases to the Nth degree. All thanks to that special someone with whom you’ve chosen to spend every waking moment.

That’s the magic of marriage: its ability to refine two individuals, if they can endure the fire.

And the key to enduring the fire is healthy self-awareness.

But self-awareness is a two-edged sword. It can build up or tear down. Here is what I mean:

1. When I'm emotionally healthy: self-awareness is an entryway to effective evaluation and growth.

2. When I’m emotionally unhealthy: self-awareness is an entryway to overwhelm and self-hate.

And the goal, of course, is to use self-awareness as a compass to pursue positive gains, and not to further low self-esteem.

4. Establish The Essentials

Looking back at 14-year-old me, I can empathize with that kid who had no clue. But sitting here at 34 years of age, all possible excuses have long expired.

Don't be fooled, there is no perfect marriage candidate. But there are 4 key foundations that sustain a marriage, and crucial for raising kids:

1. Spiritual health - without this, the other essentials lose the “why.” Although it’s most important, it’s also most undervalued. We are all here, created, for a reason. And the more we connect to our purpose, the more other areas start to improve.

2. Emotional Health - the way you process and deal with emotions will make or break you in a marriage. Whether it’s anger issues, childhood trauma, or

3. Physical Health - Nutrition and exercise are essential to a long, energetic life.

4. Financial Health - You don’t need riches or the house with the white picket fence. But your relationship to money is a significant affair. Establish the habits of giving, saving, and investing as soon as possible. This will prepare your family for a lifestyle of generosity, stability, and wisdom.

Establish these essentials and all you’ll have left to learn is to fly.

5. Reluctance Delays Skill, Responsibility Accelerates Mastery

I’ve concluded there are things I simply don’t want to do. There’s been a lot of that. I was never much of a dish washer growing up. Yes, I was that college roommate who would never wash his dish. When confronted about it, I pointed out how his dishes still had food after he washed them, so what's the point?

But as a newlywed, washing dishes for two was nice. Fun actually, as most things are at the beginning. But, washing 5 days worth of dishes for four people with no energy is dreadful.

This is the verdict:

My resistance to do the tedious things was hindering my ability to master the things I wanted to learn.

Once I made the decision to embrace any responsibility, my focus shifted. Instead of dwelling on how long it would take me to learn or finish something difficult, I used my energy to drive efficiency.

This shift in mental posture had a positive effect on all skills and learning.

The sooner you let go of comfort to embrace a life of growing pains, the sooner you will master the reins of your lazy heart.

6. Appreciation Kept Silent Is Apathy Aloud

This is a big one for any relationship: communication.

My poor communication skills have been most evident in my lack of appreciation.

We all know the saying, “Actions speak louder than words.” But in the context of a marriage, if there are no words, actions can be misinterpreted. Silence will drown out your actions. Actions and words are essential for both sides to express and receive appreciation.

As an internal processor who struggles with expressing thoughts and feelings verbally, I found there's still hope for our kind.

It requires intentionality and pushing through discomfort. It's never too late to up your appreciation game with words and actions. Do it thoughtfully and sincerely and you’ll see a shift in the marriage vibe over time.

7. Keep Talking, Silence Kills

Another lesson on communication, because it will make you or break you.

Silence is a killer. As badly as you might want to shut down or disconnect, don’t do it. Emotions will run high, but take the time needed to collect your thoughts or cool off. And don’t let them simmer more than 24 hours. At the very least, come together with the agreement to hear each other with cooler heads. Choosing silence is letting your spouse assume what you’re thinking. And it will not be in your favor 99% of the time.

Silence is never deserved, and most often an excuse for immaturity.

Swallow your pride, get out of your head, and just face the music. Your future happily married self will thank you for it.

8. Love Is A Verb

A great John Mayer song, but also a beautiful mantra to live by.

A marriage that keeps delaying love (the action), will decline before you know it.

Every date night you skip, every love note you forget, every hug you don’t give, is a small step away from your spouse. There is no neutral ground. You are either drawing closer or distancing from each other.

Maintenance ain’t sexy, but it sure sets the mood.

I tend to be a “big gesture” guy. But the hard truth is, big gestures hold no weight when most days are empty.

It’s the date nights, love notes, spontaneous affection, and constant reminders of why she's special that go a long way.

Commit yourself to the little things. Keep showing up. Keep showing love.

9. Reject Martyrdom Parenting

I was raised by a Mexican madre. She modeled a life of complete sacrifice and service to her family. I am grateful for her and a padre that worked hard to put food on the table.

However, I began to question their martyrdom approach to parenting.

Unknowingly, I had also fallen into this pattern, sacrificing myself in unhealthy ways. I lacked boundaries in my relationships, neglected self-care, and made my children the sole focus of my purpose, which was unfair to them.

Initially, I believed my sacrifices would ensure my children's constant comfort and love. When in reality, my martyrdom was not helping anyone. It was crippling our girls’ growth and resilience.

Your purpose is not only to love and serve your family. It’s your responsibility to pursue what re-energizes your soul. This is how we best show up for our families, by caring for ourselves.

We can break the cycle of generational martyrdom through our parenting.

9. It’s Never Too Late

Sadly, there are marriages that don’t recover. But my hope is every heart turns toward healing and growth before it's too late.

Regardless, it’s never too late for you, the individual.

As long as they’re breath in your lungs, you can learn to live a healthier, purpose-filled life.

There will be moments, even long seasons, of valleys and lows. You’ll drive off the road. Life will rough you up. But as long as you have embers of ambition and any fight left for you and your family, there is hope.

Fan those embers into flame with wisdom and counsel. Strengthen yourself and gain your confidence one action at a time.

You are worth fighting for.

So do the work.

For you.

Your family deserves it.

If you got this far, thank you :)

Have a love-filled week!