#005: My Struggle With Fear-Based Parenting

Today, I’m sharing a recent struggle with fear-based parenting. “Fear-based” in this context meaning, parenting from a place of fear and anxiety, not curiosity and growth.

I’ve been thinking about our older daughter, who is six years old now. I’ll call her Big Z. My heart has nothing but empathy and compassion toward her because, knowing from personal experience, there’s a lot of trial and error with the first kid. The new parent pressures trickle— actually, overflow— down to the pioneer-child.

Some of our parental pressure is external but ultimately, all of it is self-inflicted. It’s safe to say most parents want the best for their kids.

Everything must be perfect. The nursery, the crib, the outfits, the feeding schedule, the changing schedule, the growing, the learning, the doctor appointments, is she still breathing right now? Should I wake her to be safe? Her heads a little crooked, do you see that? What does WebMB say?

You get it.

It’s almost inevitable to overprotect and overthink everything, and understandable since you want your kid to stay alive. But there was a point in our girl’s early childhood when that pressure became more about preferences, personality, tastes, etc.

For instance, as long as we can remember, Big Z loves dancing. She and my wife would jam out to Motown as early as she could stand. Shaking her diaper like there’s no tomorrow. As she got older, we recognized how easily she could move to music with rhythm and style. Her eyes would lock in to any public display of dancing, and a nearly flawless imitation of their movement would follow. As unbiased as we can say, it’s so impressive. But recently our pride and joy was overcome by the concerns about the “dance scene.”

You know the dance scene I’m talking about. The one we see in television and movies. It’s the world of crazy moms taking their girls to rehearsals, dressing them up in mature costumes, applying layers of makeup, and a life of vanity to perform for applause and praise. That’s our fear: that the performing arts community would influence our innocent little girl and expose her to things a six year old shouldn’t have to worry about yet (or ever). She’s still a child! But we could see it in her eyes and in her dancing: she loved it.

Flashback to myself in high school. It was a time when I was immersed in music. My love ran deep for harmony, rhythms, birthed from tastes like Boyz II Men, John Mayer, Coldplay, and Radiohead. I was learning to play guitar, piano, and sing. Simultaneously, I made friends with the only guy at school that carried his acoustic guitar everywhere 24/7. But he was no faker. He was amazing. Extremely talented and skilled in technical and songwriting ability. I didn’t know a 15-year-old was capable of such mastery. We became such good friends that I joined his band. When I wasn’t on the keys, I’d play a mean tambourine. It was a time when music was everything and our dreams were made of playing music for the world.

My parents on the other hand were concerned. In their minds, rock and roll = drugs. And they weren’t wrong. My friend and I were around a lot of pot heads (and who knows what other substances) whenever we’d play shows, but we had no interest in that stuff. We were church kids who just loved music.

And I was frustrated and hurt. Through my teenage lens, I only saw my parents worried about what might happen to me rather than happy I was doing something I loved. Sound familiar?

Fast forward to present day. I’m a dad now. Looking back, I understand my folks’ worries one hundred percent. (And Ma and Pa, if you’re reading this, I don’t blame you at all. I ain’t mad). I see history repeating itself. I promised 16-year-old self I wouldn’t do this! Yet here we were. My wife and I faced with a choice. Do we encourage and support Big Z’s passion for dance, or do we keep her from it in fear of the negative influence that environment could have on her?

There was a great article (Breaking The Cycles Of Fear-Based Parenting) I found on the topic that was very helpful to shift my mindset on our approach. It goes into detail about the “why” behind fear-based parenting and shares how to practice connect-based parenting instead. Here are 3 of my main takeaways

1. Approach your child’s behavior with curiosity

   Instead of facing behaviors and talents as something to face and control, approach a child with genuine curiosity to understand what’s beneath the behavior. Learn to see what they love about their preferences and passions.

2. Examine your expectations

   Am I imposing an expectation on my child solely to feel better about myself? Am I imposing my extended family’s expectation? Society’s expectations? Or any other reason that doesn’t support and guide my child to reach their potential?

3. Understand your triggers

   The tough one. Ultimately it’s about us, the parent. Is there some emotional wound or childhood trauma causing my fear-based approach? This is a big one to unpack in a future newsletter.

If you got this far, thank you! OH and the end to the story... My wife hates when I leave a story hanging.

We did sign up our daughters for a ballet class and it’s been such a delight to see. But we’ll hold off on the makeup for now. 😁 

Have a fearless week!

-Omar

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